by James Ballantyne
In Britain we love it when our American friends visit. Avoid making the following mistakes, and all will go smoothly.
1. Make comparisons between the United Kingdom and the United States. Most British people will not care to hear your opinion on what is different, better or worse in the UK than in the US. For the most part, we already know. On average, Brits travel outside their country more than Americans do, so many of us have visited the US multiple times. Those that haven’t will have an idea from American films and TV. We also do not consider that the way things are done in the US is “normal” or a yardstick to compare other places to. In fact, it seems to us that the US is a global outlier when it comes to many things, good and bad. Think about this before uttering anything along the lines of the following phrases to (or within earshot of) your British hosts:
“these British homes are like cute little Hobbit houses”. Do you want to invite the reverse comparison that many American homes are gaudy oversized McMansions that are built like flimsy movie sets and as expensive to heat and cool as a five hundred year old castle?“English beer is weird. Flat and warm”. Perhaps the reason that Coors, Pabst Blue Ribbon or Bud Light are served ice cold and heavily carbonated is to mask their deeply insipid and unpleasant flavours. To successfully sell beer at 50°F without extra carbonation requires it to taste good. And in the temperate climes of the UK, we do not need our drinks to be ice cold.“English power outlets are so different”. Indeed they are. Top marks for your detective skills. Personally I think the British plug is an over-engineered dead-weight which is just waiting for you to step on it without shoes and impale your feet. But remember that the US is a global outlier with its inefficient 110v mains voltage and flimsy plugs that cause sparks to fly alarmingly every time you connect or disconnect them. Neither is very satisfactory - Brazilian plugs are the best. /geek over.
All Brits live in places like this. Or this.
2. Describe things as “quaint”. We Brits often hear visitors from the United States make observations like “villages in the Cotswolds are so quaint” or “London pubs are so quaint”. While we know that this is done with the best of intentions, it may nevertheless irritate your British hosts and make you seem a little ignorant. Why? Well let’s take a look at the definition of the word quaint from the Oxford dictionary - “Attractively unusual or old-fashioned.” Sounds like a pretty legit compliment, right? Errr.. not really. Let’s take the two parts of that definition in turn:
“Attractively unusual”. Describing something as unusual in a place where it is the norm is not very smart. Telling a British person that pubs or historic villages are unusual is like telling an American that cars or malls are unusual. The fact that “quaint” implies not just unusual but attractivelyunusual does not make up for this.“Old-fashioned”. This part is even worse. To a British ear, describing something as old-fashioned is like saying it is outdated, with the implication that it is backward. Imagine a visitor from Europe to a part of the US with a high rate of gun ownership remarking that it is so “quaint” and “old-fashioned” that people still own guns there. Imagine the reaction.
3. Equate England, Britain and the United Kingdom.
This can be forgiven as the reality is far from straightforward. But, nevertheless, as a visitor you should make the effort to realise that these are three entirely different things. Best to say that you are visiting the UK, since this is the sovereign country. Do not, under any circumstances, refer to Welsh, Scottish or Northern Irish people as “English”.
All clear now? If not, click here.
4. Pronounce place names incorrectly. Yes, it is true that many British place names are pronounced in a way that bears little relation to their spelling or the way their namesakes in the US are pronounced. Yes, this might seem strange or illogical (it’s what comes from spoken and written languages evolving somewhat separately). But please pay attention - it will improve your visit if you get the hang of it.
In the UK, Birmingham is not pronounced “bur-ming-HAM” but rather “BER-ming-um” (and, in general, “ham” in place names is almost always pronounced “um”). Leicester is not pronounced “lay-CES-tur” but rather “LES-ter”. Oxford is not pronounced “ox-FORD” but rather “OX-fud”. Glasgow is not pronounced “glaaz-GOW” but rather “GLAZ-goh” or “GLAZ-geh”. The list goes on.
This is not just a question of different accents. Pronouncing place names differently from the residents of those places could render you unintelligible, make people conclude that you are dumb or, worse, make you a target of the darker side of British humour.
How? Well, let’s imagine the following scenario: You are in Leicestershire, England and ask someone for directions to Loughborough where you are meeting a friend arriving by train. You say “Excuse me, sir. Could you tell me how to get to the railroad station in Lao-bo-ROH?”. The initial reaction is likely to be one of a blank look of incomprehension. People in that area will likely need a minute or two to realise that you are talking about “LUFF-bruh”. The fact that you referred to a British railway as a “railroad” could serve to further amuse or confuse. Once any confusion is cleared up, most Brits will help you with accurate directions. But some will conclude that you are ignorant and likely gullible (an all too common, if generally unfair, perception of American tourists in the UK, and one that you will probably not wish to encourage) and either be condescending or, worse, misdirect you for their own amusement.
5. Attempt to imitate an accent from any part of the UK. I know I just told you to try to pronounce place names the same way as locals. You should. And if you ever refer to the 1970s British comedy collective “Monty Python” be sure to pronounce it as they would (“PIE-thun” not “pie-THON”). But exercise extreme caution if you are tempted to try to imitate any UK accent in its entirety. If you succeed, go directly to Hollywood, because you will have pulled off a feat that celebrity actors routinely fail to do. But beware - if you attempt this, it is much more likely that people will laugh at you rather than with you.
